Your high standards for dating are going to leave you sad and alone, and other such advice
Issue #134
Uncritically accepting the received wisdom and “best practices” for dating can make life unbearably hard for all sides.
This is one reason mega-ish church evangelical chicks are such a rough “market.”
For instance, think about the kind of men these women are told to look for. What qualities must they have to be worthy of dating?
Well, one terrible quality they are all continually told they should like is niceness. Niceness is next to godliness, right? So these girls try to like the nice guys—but they don’t.
Yet because of the social pressure, they lead them on for a couple dates anyway.
They feel bad afterward. The nice guys feel bad afterward. Everyone is confused, everyone’s time is wasted, and everyone’s lives are slightly worse than before.
Another terrible piece of advice—at least the way it is interpreted—is to have high standards.
It’s not that having high standards is bad. You should be looking for specific qualities. You should have specific bars that must be met. There are certain kinds of people you definitely shouldn’t marry.
Rather, it’s that people re-interpret this to mean, “wait for the best match possible.”
Consequently, people pass on a good match believing that there is an even better match somewhere out there looking for them.
Maybe.
But then…even if they meet that better match, they wonder if there is someone even better.
And life slips by.
Then they are alone…because they had foolishly “high standards.” Because of FOMO, they passed on the good marriage they could have had, in vain hope of the even greater marriage that might be out there…somewhere.
A good match, biblically speaking, will turn into a great match. And you are able to get on with life while all the romantics wander.
Don’t make high standards impossible standards.
There are a couple of things to think about as you’re trying to calibrate your standards to find the wisdom between the ditches of “low” and “impossible.”
1. Firstly, apply a variant on the golden rule
How great a catch are you? If you’re expecting to attract a partner with X qualities, think about the kind of partner such a person is looking to attract.
If they met you, would they think, “Finally, someone who ticks all my boxes?”
Or would they think they were settling?
Men complain that women pass on them because those women are too picky. Their standards are too high.
That’s often true.
But it’s incredible to us how blind many men are to the fact that they are engaging in the exact same behavior.
For instance, a girl has tattoos and thinks she might get more. Or she’s a bit too {insert theological distinctive here}. Or whatever. OK. That’s not ideal. But…have you considered that for her, a husband who is against those things isn’t exactly ideal either?
“Yes, but I am right and she is wrong.”
You’re missing the point.
She hasn’t passed on you because of these differences.
She is willing to “settle” as she sees it, even though there are these difficulties to work out.
So maybe it’s worth testing if she will follow your lead. Is she teachable? Do you have a good time together? Do you make each other laugh? Is there chemistry?
There are worse things in the world than having a wife with tattoos, or a wife who thinks tongues are real.
You could be married to a smoking hot debt-free virgin without tattoos, from your exact theological background…who has no respect for you and refuses to follow your lead and makes your life miserable.
Btw, if you think some of your own theological convictions won’t change, even ones you currently consider “deal-breakers,” you may be too young to be thinking about marriage. Obviously you shouldn’t marry a heretic or an unbeliever. But way too many guys are way too worried about secondary issues.
2. Soberly assess your actual pool of prospects and competition
A lot of Christian men are looking for these basic factors in a wife:
Under 30
Not Obese (but many are open to a more full figured woman)
Never married
No children
Income isn’t a factor
Height isn’t a factor (i.e., normal range)
If we allow for any race (although this will be a factor for a lot people), the probability of a woman meeting those standards in the United States is 15.75%.
Here’s the rub.
There are a two other major factors most men are looking for:
Few to no sexual partners
Little to no debt
The calculator above doesn’t include those variables, but our guess is, once you figure them in, it will bring the probability into the low single digits.
Now add theological convictions, and you will start to realize how absurd it is to major on secondary doctrines.
Yes, there will be those guys out there who found that woman. That’s great. This is about general trends—not one-off anecdotes. You’re assessing probabilities in order to make wise decisions, not looking for acts of God.
And yes, as we already mentioned, women have unreasonable standards too. Duh. If your first thought when you’re told to have realistic standards is, “Women don’t,” then your thinking has been shaped by “the battle of the sexes” anti-feminist narrative. It’s a tit-for-tat mentality that won’t serve you well.
But speaking of women’s standards, it’s worth running these numbers for the ladies too.
A lot of young women say they are looking for a fit man 6 foot or taller, who makes at least $100,000.
They don’t seem to realize the odds of finding that man are astronomical.
Only 14.5% of men in the USA are 6 foot or taller.
Add the other two variables (fitness & income) and it drops below 1%.
Ladies, if you’re looking for a man in the top 0.32%, you had better make damned sure that you yourself are in the top 0.32%.
How likely is that?
Again, this isn’t even factoring in Christianity. You think you can find a solid Christian brother in that 0.32% of men? We’re talking fractions of fractions.
What are you thinking?
Ladies: only reject a man whose mission is less exciting than your father’s, if you want to be a spinster
This pattern has played out multiple times within the space of a year and a half:
A biblically solid, Reformed, homeschooled girl who helps out with the family business rejects a guy who is spiritually and financially sound, on the grounds that he doesn’t want to follow her father’s mission.
It is not enough for her that he is still developing his own mission; she wants something that is as exciting as what her family has going.
Now, we admire these people for their ability to incorporate the family business/ministry into everyday life, and serve their local communities and cultures in that way.
But it’s a bad trend if young women in a family like that would rather have their husbands join whatever they’re already doing with their fathers—or stay single.
Admittedly, this could be an excuse, because the women don’t like the guy’s face and can’t tell him that. But it’s also possible for a solid Reformed household to do such a fantastic job in establishing a local culture, that it’s exceedingly tough for the young women to marry outside of the household to help another man work towards the same thing.
This issue might seem very specific, but it’s actually just a particular form of a much more wide-spread problem, of a girl not wanting to “downgrade” to get married. As if a man in his 20s can give her what her father took a lifetime to build.
E.g., girls from successful upper-class families want to immediately jump into the same lifestyle as their parents. Well, your parents took 30 years to build that lifestyle young lady, often with a double income. You need to mentally prepare yourself.
Cultivating your listening skills
Listening is key to communication in marriage—and in communication leading up to marriage.
It’s a cliche, sure.
Doesn’t make it less true.
(Have you noticed that “cliche” is often just another way of saying “general truth?” A lot of Proverbs are cliches.)
Listening is a skill that can be cultivated. Here are ten steps you can take:
Give your full attention. Focus on your partner, and avoid distractions like checking your phone, looking around, or engaging in unrelated activities.
Maintain eye contact. Establishing eye contact demonstrates that you are engaged and interested in what she is saying.
Be patient. Allow her to finish her thoughts without interrupting. Avoid jumping to conclusions, or preparing your response while she is still talking.
Use nonverbal cues. Nod, smile, or use other body language to show that you are listening and understanding what she is sharing.
Paraphrase and summarize. To ensure you understand the message, restate her main points in your own words, and ask for clarification if needed.
Ask open-ended questions. Encourage her to elaborate, by asking questions that require more than a simple “yes” or “no.”
Reflect on feelings. Try to identify the emotions behind her words, and show sympathy by acknowledging those feelings.
Avoid pre-judgment. Keep an open mind, and refrain from expressing criticism or disagreement while she is talking.
Provide feedback. Offer appropriate responses and feedback to show you are actively engaged in the conversation.
Practice active listening regularly. Like any skill, active listening improves with practice. Make a conscious effort to apply these techniques in your daily conversations to become a more effective listener. It doesn’t just serve you for marriage. These skills apply in all of life.
Michael’s summary of the key concepts in John Gray’s Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus
Different emotional needs: Men and women have distinct emotional needs, and understanding these differences can help couples provide better support and fulfill each other's needs. For example, women often value empathy and understanding, while men tend to prioritize respect and appreciation.
Different communication styles: Men and women tend to communicate differently, which can lead to misunderstandings. Women often express themselves more openly and use communication as a way to connect and share emotions, whereas men may be more solution-oriented and use communication to solve problems.
Need for emotional validation: Women often seek emotional validation through conversation, and may feel frustrated when their partner tries to provide solutions instead of listening and empathizing. Men can improve their connection with their partner by offering understanding and empathy instead of jumping to problem-solving.
The "cave" and the "wave": Men may have a tendency to withdraw or retreat into their "cave" to process emotions or solve problems independently, while women may experience emotional "waves" that need to be expressed and validated. Understanding these patterns can help couples navigate their emotional landscape more effectively.
Different coping mechanisms: Men and women often have distinct coping mechanisms when dealing with stress or conflict. Recognizing these differences can help couples support each other and avoid misunderstandings.
Love and appreciation: Both men and women need to feel loved and appreciated in a relationship. By understanding and acknowledging each other's unique needs, couples can enhance their connection and create a more fulfilling partnership.
Maintaining the balance: Healthy relationships require ongoing effort and communication to maintain balance and harmony. By respecting and embracing each other's differences, couples can grow together and build a stronger bond.
Dating advice from the pen of the ever-judgmental William Cobbett (not to be taken too seriously)
Courtesy of Smokey the Magnificent, who shares Cobbett’s advice to an ardent lover on how to determine if the girl of his choosing is industrious:
Look a little, also, at the labours of the teeth, for these correspond with those of the other members of the body, and with the operations of the mind. “Quick at meals, quick at work,” is a saying as old as the hills, in this, the most industrious nation upon earth; and never was there a truer saying.
But fashion comes in here, and decides that you shall not be quick at meals; that you shall sit and be carrying on the affair of eating for an hour, or more. Good God! what have I not suffered on this account! However, though she must sit as long as the rest, and though she must join in the performance (for it is a real performance) unto the end of the last scene, she cannot make her teeth abandon their character. She may, and must, suffer the slice to linger on the plate, and must make the supply slow, in order to fill up the time; but when she does bite, she cannot well disguise what nature has taught her to do; and you may be assured, that if her jaws move in slow time, and if she rather squeeze than bite the food; if she so deal with it as to leave you in doubt as to whether she mean finally to admit or reject it; if she deal with it thus, set her down as being, in her very nature, incorrigibly lazy.
Never mind the pieces of needle-work, the tambouring, the maps of the world made by her needle. Get to see her at work upon a mutton chop, or a bit of bread and cheese; and, if she deal quickly with these, you have a pretty good security for that activity, that stirring industry, without which a wife is a burden instead of being a help.
New content this week
This a slow burn that comes together at the very end:
The trailer for the It’s Good To Be A Man documentary is out:
County Before Country '23 is being held in Batavia OH, 8/31 to 9/2 (Labor Day Weekend)
This year we are focusing on "planting churches, starting schools, and making homes."
It'll be very practical. Less talk, more do.
Speakers include:
Ben Merkle
Rebekah Merkle (for the ladies)
Garrett Craw
Michael Clary
Aaron M. Renn
John Moody
Michael be on a panel, as will John Weis and Zachary Hill.
There will be an event for singles.
Tickets are about to go on sale. You can follow the event here to get more details as they become available. It may sell out pretty fast.
Notable:
This will probably be the only time we recommend a Daily Beast article. It’s long, but it captures what we think will be a massive trend for the next decade.
The paranoia and extreme decisions made under the influence of online gurus/group isn’t just happening with new agers.
We are seeing this, ironically enough, both in the patriarchy “movement” and the anti-patriarchy “movement.”
We see women trying to convince other women that their husband is an abusive tyrant, and encourage divorce.
We see men trying to convince or, at least, confirming another man’s suspicion (without sufficient evidence) that his wife is an un-submissive feminist deep down inside.
These gurus/groups are family wreckers.
It’s destructive stuff.
A few warnings…
Prioritize local flesh-and-blood relationships, and beware of spending too much time in online communities.
Do what you can to surround yourself with sober-minded people who are slow to give counsel without considering both sides of the situation.
Know that many of these online gurus and group members have lives that are complete messes.
Be slow to make major decisions.
Be aware of your own inherent confirmation bias.
Steer clear of people peddling paranoia, especially when it is based on arguments rooted merely in supposed patterns.
Stay away from people who have allowed their “trauma” to define them. They will want to see it played out in your life. They will try to convince you that you were just like that.
A quote from the article…
Many of these concerned ex-spouses and parents describe a similar pattern: A woman starts following Liana, their diet changes drastically, they begin giving themselves coffee enemas, and they go through a physical transformation. They become increasingly conspiratorial and isolated; they begin uncovering new memories of past abuse; they cut off their parents and separate from their husbands; they try to gain sole custody of their children and leave town.”
The Rise of Father Absence and Its Attendant Social Ills. Paywalled, but notable for its mere existence. “Fatherless children are at higher risk of delinquency that undermines their own prospects and disrupts the communities in which they reside.”
Power, Escape, Dominion. “Look around. Why is the landscape littered with so many institutions that used to be Christian and now are solidly in the enemy’s camp? The reason is that there was always a fatal board meeting somewhere when they decided that unfaithful survival was better than faithful martyrdom…”
Women can predict unfaithfulness with 77% accuracy just from a mugshot. Men are completely the opposite—23%. Below half what they should get just using blind chance. We’re actively incompetent at it. Interesting little study (lots of evolutionary just-so stories, but just swap in the obvious design rationale):
“Laughably adolescent and basic”:
Talk again soon,
Bnonn & Michael