On the supposed dangers of marriage, and Christian men telling on themselves…
Pagan influencers tell us that marriage is a scam—that marrying is too risky, and a threat to self-sovereignty. These are men with extensive histories of diversified fornication and sexual deviance, but no demonstrated ability to secure a long-term commitment from a single woman.
Meanwhile, faithful Christian pastors tell us that marriage, though a calculated risk, is worth the reward. These are men with extensive histories of counseling other couples and saving marriages, and the demonstrated ability to lead faithful wives for 20 years of more.
When presented with these competing messages from these competing characters, there is a certain kind of Christian man who swallows the pagan advice hook, line and sinker, while aggressively chastising the other.
These men are telling on themselves.
What they’re showing is that they don’t believe in the work of the Spirit in transforming the heart—or at least, they don’t believe he does this with women, which amounts to the same thing, since the only reason to doubt it is because you haven’t experienced it in yourself.
These men see sanctification as a kind of brute-force behavioral change, where through sheer willpower you push through with the behavior you know you’re supposed to do, simply because it’s your duty…even though deep down you really still want to sin, and you still love the sin.
In other words, you do your duty despite your passions. They see women as less capable of this, because women are more led by their passions—and so of course you shouldn’t marry, since women can’t ignore what they want for the rest of their lives.
Eventually they’ll snap.
Every wife will eventually get sick of this, and do what she wants instead—which for the unregenerate means pursuing the pleasures of the flesh, going after easy money, a freedom lifestyle, and all the other self-flattering divorce fantasy nonsense.
These men really don’t believe that there are plenty of women who aren’t in the flesh, and whose passions really are reoriented by the Spirit toward companionship with the husband of their youth, raising up godly seed, and advancing the mission of Christ.
Their argument is really that you shouldn’t marry an unregenerate woman.
To which, of course, scripture would say a hearty amen—and give us plenty of direction in discerning between regenerate and unregenerate women, so that we may be wise in seeking to avoid the latter.
But if these men really struggle so much to believe in the work of the Spirit, there’s a good chance they haven’t experienced it themselves. Their belief in worldly wisdom over the foolishness of God comes naturally to them. Their distrust of marriage is telling on themselves.
Children need regenerate mothers
Just as children need the presence of the strength and authority of a godly masculine father, so do they need the presence of the cherishing nurture of a godly feminine mother.
Whatever men and women will become, they will be, in part, because of the faithful work of their mothers.
That faithful labor is often accomplished through seemingly minor deeds.
For example, children first learn generosity, justice, and equity in how they play with others. A mother is there to ensure that happens. She teaches them that they must be willing to share their toys—and that they can’t take toys that don’t belong to them.
These small lessons are the seeds that will grow into a moral backbone that won’t be corrupted by riches, or bought by bribes.
How many corrupt politicians had good mothers?
Maybe some did, and they shame her. But I bet more than a few were indulged by their moms and deprived of such lessons.
Mothers don’t only teach lessons; they also create a nurturing atmosphere.
As the saying goes, men build houses; women make homes.
A house is just a building. It has the potential to become a home.
Making a home is about so much more than just keeping all the rooms clean and tidy. It is about creating a place of warmth, safety, and refreshment.
It’s a place of training and hospitality.
It’s a place where memories are formed, and traditions are passed from generation to generation.
It’s an oasis in the wilderness.
There is no place like home, because there is no other place that was crafted by your dad and mom solely to nurture and educate you.
Part of the work of motherhood is transforming a house into a home.
In Titus 2, Paul teaches the older women to “encourage the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their husbands, so that the word of God will not be dishonored.”
“Workers at home” is also sometimes translated as “keepers of the home” or homemakers.
Ladies, it’s your special role to be homemakers. Home is where the heart is, because that is where we are first loved and cherished by Mom. She holds us close. She kisses our ouchies. She makes us our favorite meal. She sings us to sleep.
Now, this isn’t the attitude most people have about homemaking, is it?
But it is the biblical attitude—and it is glorious.
Celebrity culture is federal headship run amock
The celebrity culture, both inside and outside the church, has produced a destructive all-or-nothing mindset. That sort of thinking works like this…
If you say something positive about someone’s work, it means you think highly of all their work.
If you say something negative about someone’s work, it means you think poorly of all their work.
This is fallacious thinking. It would be akin to believing that Paul approved of all Greek thinking simply because he cited a few of their poets.
What’s the connection to celebrity culture?
Simple. Celebrity culture trains us to shape our identity by aligning ourselves with "heroes” who often function as “tribal chieftains.”
It is a modern iteration of the old Corinthian I-am-of-Cephas problem.
Because humans are made to exist in bodies of community, with heads representing them, we easily measure our maturity, wisdom, or plain old coolness, by how well we conform to the image of some hero we identify with (or by toeing the tribal lines he represents).
It is a perversion or twisting of the true creational pattern of federal headship.
And because it is based on a true creational pattern that is fundamental to identity itself, we easily become very protective of their hero. Any critique or slight is interpreted as an attack—and any attack on our hero is really an attack on us.
That’s how bodies work, after all. Attack the head, you attack the whole body, including its members.
But this mindset disables sound discernment. If we too closely identify ourselves with our “heads,” or fail to recognize that they are not really heads at all, we fall into foolish tribal mentalities, just like the Corinthians did.
“If you don’t like my hero, you’re the enemy.”
“If you like my hero, you’re a friend.”
We see this everywhere these days. A lot of folks are in for a rude awakening.
Generally speaking…
Your heroes aren’t as heroic as you think.
Your enemies aren’t as villainous as you think.
Of course there are men out there worthy of admiration. And there are also men whom we can rightly call enemies. But the flat, basic, binary mindset is almost always foolish.
Now, part of this is not just headship gone awry, but simple heuristics and “mental self-defense.” There is so much information out there now, and we are all drawn into such vast social networks that extend so far beyond what God designed us to live in, that we are forced to aggressively over-simplify and over-generalize the world, its characters, and our place in all of it—just to be able to cope with the amount of information we have to process.
Because of this, we all live in an exaggerated, shallow, and performative internet age.
It helps to be reminded that many people aren’t what they first appear to be, and that building tribes around personalities never ends well.
Most of us would do well to spend more time developing high-quality real-life relationships with people we look up to, than spending so much time thinking about what some dude on the internet is saying.
(That dude may even be me.)
In the same way, most of us would do well to spend more time in deep, repeated study of proven works, than in skimming foam off the continual, ephemeral churn of the internet.
(Even if it means unsubscribing from a newsletter like this one.)
Friends and family are better than fans
Another problem with internet celebrity culture is how it normalizes chasing fake glory at the expense of real relationships. It makes celebrity seem attractive, desirable, even achievable to many.
It is easy to be drawn into pursuing it. Now, there is value to seeking to have an influence in the world. Men are made for this, and it is not wrong per se to desire it. To trade your time and energy for impact on the world can be a good thing, if you can make a good impact.
But again, celebrity culture distorts this. Impact with virtual strangers is not the same as local influence and power. And in many ways it is more dangerous to the soul. We should have a general care for people who interact with us on social media, or attend conferences, or whatever. But we can’t fool ourselves into thinking that because we’re Facebook “friends,” we are therefore true friends.
And every man should loathe the idea of fans (see the point about celebrity culture in the section above).
There can’t be many greater tragedies than ending your life as a transient big deal to people who never knew you, but as a distant father, pastor, or friend to those in your everyday life.
Thus, it is foolish to give to strangers what should first go to family, church, and neighbors.
Fans are mostly fake. Social media is mostly fake. So being a big deal there, being loved there…is also mostly fake.
Friends and family are real.
Pursue what is real.
Fatherhood is a total life discipleship.
It involves your words and your example.
You are to live out your faith in front of your children.
Teaching, according to biblical principles, involves both instruction and example.
Instruction provides meaning to our example; while our example, if not hypocritical, lends credibility to our instruction.
If we solely lead by example, we leave those under our care to draw their conclusions about our motives.
Conversely, if we only provide instruction, we undermine the power of our teaching with the reality of our actions.
Effective husbands cultivate a calm, present, decisive demeanor
A few steps you may find helpful towards cultivating these attributes…
Calm:
unload your worries through regular prayer
focus your mind through morning meditation on the Word
Present:
remove distracting apps from your phone
make clear rules for yourself about when you have no screen time
ask family members open-ended questions, and just listen
Decisive:
get your basic tasks or schedule written out (paper or virtual, but I’ve never found virtual works, because…internet fakitude)
know your priorities (“I can't take on a new household project until this one is done”)
give a straight non-guilt-laced yes or no as often as possible
Adopting practices like these won't change your household overnight but, in time, it will have a positive effect.
Notable
Raising Neurotic Wrecks: A Review of Abigail Shrier’s Bad Therapy: Why the Kids Aren’t Growing Up
Doug Wilson has written a good FAQ on Men, Women, and Sexuality
Talk again next month,
Bnonn